Dualism

The masculine and the feminine, the greater and the lesser.

Greater and lesser does not mean superior and inferior.

My mind is like the masculine and my emotions the feminine. I enjoy the experience of living in my emotions, I enjoy happiness and laughter. My mind likes to create happiness for the experiencer. If my emotions were obsolete, I would have a hard time enjoying any thoughts at all. However, I do not like to be subdued by my emotions. In this, I learn to appreciate my mind will continue creating thoughts in harmony with what I enjoy, and when I am in something I do not enjoy, I must continue in the act of creating, bringing in more waves of joy.

What brings up such reflections? Well, I wrote in my other blog about evolution and the making of us. I have been reflecting upon this ever since. I've been thinking upon my ancestors, even my grandparents, 3/4 of whom are deceased. Been thinking about attitudes towards them and towards the future. I have been spending quality time with my family (my extended family). In this short span of time, I have witnessed much. My dad fled to my uncle Maurice who was choking on food and unable to breathe. He did not even think about the fragility of his own back as he performed the heimlich. I witness how much my nephew loves his mama and feels secure and happy when he knows she is there. My cousins are respectful, loving towards each other and their parents, would drop what they are doing to help someone. We all have stories to share. We laughed at the way our grandfather was, would never let anyone mess with his children or grandchildren. When a man was harassing my aunt, saying he was going to go to her house, and she told her dad, he said, "Let him come. I'm gonna smash his face." We just laugh about it because it sounds funny to us, but on some level it just shows that he cared about us. My mom also shared how when she gave birth to my older late brother prematurely, she was at her mom's, unable to even move to the left or to the right because she was in great pain and greatly weakened from the struggle and having lost a lot of blood, with an ice pack on her. When she heard my sister (1 and a half years at the time) had fallen down the stairs, she sprang up and dashed right to her without thinking twice. When my mom told me I started tearing up, just knowing this love of mothers/fathers, even people around you is this strong if they see their baby or another person in trouble. You don't even think twice about it, it's instinctual.

*Another story I just got tonight: My cousin's husband, when they were dating, about 10 years ago, was getting beat up by about 15 other guys. He was dodging at first, but they held him in place and pounded him. Neither of his male friends did anything but my cousin came and put her body over his, covering him, so that they were hitting her. Can you imagine what she was feeling and what they were going through? They relented, but she came up with cuts and bruises. I had to hold back tears when he shared that.

The masculine and feminine attributes of a person are very important to me. Having one and denying the other leads to trouble. The masculine in denial of the feminine can lead to machoism, racism, any form of bigotry and bullying, and other things that seem to effect the pain body, as mentioned in Eckhart Tolle's writings. The feminine without the masculine can lead to women who are prone to entering into abusive relationships, the rise of self-cutters and eating disorders (for many, it seems).

He's Watching : )

My title could be inferred to mean something creepy, lol, but I don't intend it that way.

I love my nephew so much! He doesn't "Ohhhhh" anymore but he squeals lol. He plays. Too cute. I like laying down, lowering his upper body towards me, and raising him back up, he squeals as I lower him, and I lol. He also squeals in his delight as I loop around the room and sing songs like "Waltzing Matilda." I think he likes that song as much as I do =)

What I love is how he might be close to crying, but right when he looks at me in my playful delight and just seeing him as the sweetest thing ever and us all having a fun time, he smiles. It's as if he looks at me to see what's going on with him. My sister (his mom) was waltzing with him, and as she would turn around with him, he would look to my face and be smiling as if he's having a fun time. I love it. I'm always so happy to see him and to be around him (and my sister and bro in law too). I'm always affirming his accomplishments and all the unique qualities he's inherited and things that he's expressing. How he keeps trying to crawl at 4.4 months and how he can gain distance, he has strong legs, we'll see if he will start walking as soon as his mom did, he picks things up quickly, he's aware. I love that he has all of his instincts and survival abilities intact, and I always affirm him for those. I have so much fun with him, haha. The other day I read to him and he was actually turning the pages with his little finger, it was too cute. He also played on the piano a little, while making soft sounds with his voice. I just love him.

It's great having a nephew : ) Lots and lots of love and joy.

Blessings,
Tinah

The calm

I just wanted to comment on how I've noticed that my nephew responds to my calm quite well, and not to a tense or anxious, forced state. I also noticed that he responds really well when I talk to him in Korean. I suppose the words I say would sound really silly trying to say them in English. They would sound like, "Who is this one who came out this cute this way" and with a respectful tone at the end. I also say things like, "So you have been well" in an honorific form in conversation with him and a lot of affirmations that sound more authoritative in Korean. He does this thing where he makes an "o" with his mouth and puts on the most sincerest eyes and makes these sounds back to you. It's quite funny. I talk a lot to him and he talks a lot back.

I am Determined

I am very grateful and blessed... more than I could made the way for on my own.

I have to learn to reach the highest height I can with what I have been given. I have to show the Universe that what I was given was not too much, that by continual grace, I will reach the highest potential I am created for.

I was not able to meditate before because of the condition of my mind and body. Now there is a way to overcome all these things. I am on that path.

Beautiful Baby

These are photos a friend took of baby with his mom.

: ) He is sweet. Babies are to be provided the very best care. He's 3 months and a week and he talks a lot and laughs a lot. When his family (my sis & BIL) was over I was singing songs like, "Do you Love Me" and "Hey Now" and he just smiled a lot and sang along. He is so cute when he sings, it's quite funny! He reaches out his hand and grabs things too. The other day, I was holding him and bonding(he's so sweet), and a guest wanted to hold him. I gave him to her and he was looking at me and he reached out his hand to me. I hadn't seen him do that before.

I think with my baby I wouldn't want to leave them with anyone else for the first few months. It would be hard to do this at all. I just want them to know I'll always be there.

Love,

Me

Family Ethic

What I really mean by that is Social ethic.

Well, today I had a really great sense of it with my family. We all got busy making the house cleaner and looking nicer, and we all pitched in for each other. I really needed some software for my computer and my brother took notice and brought to me exactly that. My mom made some simple home-made food and I commented on how delicious it was and she showed me how she made it in that particular way I complimented on.

Well, I make it known here that I am interested in fruit as a pursuit of living in communion with Nature as I can honor this best in my life. I was thinking I want to continue this feeling of communion with family, without isolating myself to keep my lifestyle. It's going to take that extra boost of work. When I want to share recipes with family, I'm sure they would love it. I can introduce some really great fruit-filled plates. I can even make fresh versions of things like salsa, which seems to be enjoyed quite a lot. I just want that sense of community to always be there, to be in the meals together, in life together. A fallen thought would be thinking I might falter and so not going out at all and missing out on time together. Perhaps instead I can invest in something else towards this group, like setting up for something we'll play when returning from the meal, or something like that. I don't want to take away from this.

Of Black holes & Stars

I am urked.

All I am to say is this: This is my life.

Don't be wasteful. There are certain activities which achieve n-o-t-h-i-n-g. Those activities which accomplish what is structurally sound require my full attention and focus but result in the fulfillment of higher-reaching goals. Yes; even though automatic, natural processes take no effort on my part, they never accomplish what I know I am capable of.

...

I have an analogy that may be useful for displaying what is going on here.

Stars

To be continued...

Blackholes

To be continued...

As a side note: I believe communication with the general public and with peers has its value, but know that your own research and your own endeavor is first and foremost. Even early researchers of Science went to the grave without revealing their discoveries because they were kept secret. Once you put your work to the hands of the public, you give away your responsibilities as well. Albert Einstein warned against the use of the atomic bomb, but the invention was no longer in his hands and was used without his permission. Yes, you may receive some compensation- a nobel prize or grants- but who is to say how it will be applied? It is not you. Even before a discovery is thoroughly researched for its long-term effects, it is often put out into the market.

Of course, when the world is market-driven with a lack of a sense of responsibility, who knows what will be put out there! I for one must redefine what wealth is to me.

This I Must Do

Yeah, I realize I have to do this. Just fast until I know it is time to stop.

It is funny that vacuoles, which remind me of blackholes, store fat in adipose cells. They are said to be there to store energy for emergency use.

Well, I've got to use mine up. It's ridiculous!

Honor

Today I hope to consecrate my life. Live to the full in honoring the people in my life. Do my best, take the higher road in all things.

It's 6:40 PM and I just wanted to say that it seems like the more excitatory neurotransmitters are released, the more inhibited a person probably becomes (perhaps increasing the production of inhibitory neurotransmitters) to counter it. This is just a thought. Too much is not beneficial.

It is strange that caffeine has an effect of increasing the production of flowers in plants. I wonder if it has an effect of increasing productivity in humans? Strange events.

Dream, dream

I just finished watching "Riding in Cars with Boys". Here is the last scene. I couldn't figure out why this movie was made when I first watched it back in high school. Now I am left with a feeling of appreciation after watching it.

I am also reminded of the power of love. I was greatly saddened by some of the words spoken to the Beverly when she was found to be pregnant. "You ruined your life" is something that I don't think anyone should ever speak. I'm reminded why I had a great need for God's love and for a close relationship with Jesus growing up. Yes, this nurtured me in every way. It was the most beautiful thing I had ever known. Also reminded of the importance of justice, of knowing personally right from wrong (sense of one's effects on others), and not the mercy and grace of love alone.

I had a great desire for freedom. In the movie, the man Beverly was with became dependent on drugs and was not able to withstand the withdrawal effects. Hmm this happens to people on so many levels for different things. He said to his wife, "this is who I am." It's easy for people to say, "I am a failure" or statements to that effect. I've said it! However, it is not true. Just with one positive track of thought a path can be switched. Yes, we can be successors. Don't let any thought or any one bring you down. Bring them up to where you are.

I want to be available for good. Everywhere, for the good works in people's lives. Perhaps there is no such thing as mediocrity. If there is something, there is something to water. The Creator is in us. He shows himself more in people who are ready for the calling.

I just wanted to inspire myself tonight. Get going on a good, affirmed path. Talk to God, be cleansed and just talk to the Author and Creator of my faith. See what things in my life I have to bring up before him. Be there to listen.

Alone

I think aloneness is key to my life. It keeps me centered. I do not like to be affected by people too much, they can swerve me so that I lose this.

I just want to live a quiet life. Read to myself. Enjoy serenity. Perhaps train on my own. This would be my meditation space.

I've got some studying to do and projects to turn in this week. Not anything of particular interest. Will quietly go about my way.

Thanks

My bro in law and sis are so kind. They are both not feeling well because of the activities of the weekend and the busy-ness. I came over yesterday and today so my sister could take a nap. Just seeing them as a family is sweet. They filled my car tank with gas and treated me to dinner.

Pretty soon I'll be in my 30's (5 years 8 1/2 months) and then the 40's will be here. I just want to live my life with a lot of love and care. I want to put good care into everything I do. This includes my body. This is all of life.

My nephew shows me how beautiful life is. He is a treasure.

I will come back to fruity days... in just 2 days. Isn't it nice? My student is coming over on Saturday to watch The Incredibles with me.

With Thanks,

Tinah

Grace

So yesterday I acknowledged that grace flows down and covers me. I decided I care about my student's happiness and whole wellness and not just his studies. Some days when I come over he is sad or upset, and this is his distraction from his studying. I let him tell me about it. He drew a picture of his toddler sister with hearts everywhere, remembering her in her sweeter times.

The big heart with the crack was his heart. He told me what had happened to upset him. After our warm-up we went for a walk and to the swings. I pushed him and did the "underdog" for him. One of the sentences he wrote for his warm-up was, "God healed my heart and changed my dad's heart." He told me how he wished his dad did not frighten him. We talked about it. I told him since his dad's parents are divorced that it could be that his dad's heart needs some healing too, even though it didn't look like it. He told me how his dad's dad would scold and spank his dad when he made errors on his homework. I told him this was not good : (. The child said, "Maybe something got to my dad to make him sad." He said he wanted to go up to his dad and apologize for getting mad at his sister (he confessed this in telling me), tell him he forgives his dad and hopes he forgives him too, and explain that his sister initated the conflict and how he felt wronged by getting scolded for it." His dad explained to him in return that until his sister reached a preschool age, she will not be reprimanded for not asking or saying, "please" to her brother for his toys. He was joyful, came down with a big smile, glad to have made peace with his dad.

I played with my nephew yesterday. He has been raising his eyebrows (especially towards the midline, so that he gives that sincere look, while smiling) when he talks to you and making plenty of sounds. He seems to be very responsive to the song, "You Are So Beautiful to Me". I sing this to him and he seems to sing along. It's hilarious, the facial expressions he makes. He puts his hands together too. When I take him outside, he looks up at the trees, at the clouds. He loves it.

[Edit: Photo added 9/03/09]

Elements of Story-Telling

How do I tell my story? As a Victor or Victim? Joel Osteen says this a lot, and I see how it makes all the difference. My words direct my course. Not usually what I speak aloud, but the message I send myself within. It's what I'm always structured by. Is it, "I am" or is it "I am not"? Yesterday I wrote a post that said, "I am not..." and it turned out to be a fail post.

Creation

Been reflecting on the Creator, and creative power, especially over my 4.5 mile hike today. I thought about the concept of dominance, and how there are so-called dominant genes. I reflected upon whether that was really attributed to the genes, or if it was the shift in humans that allowed that gene to be represented or reflected more. I wondered why there even was a series of dominant and recessive genes in the first place. I thought about the affirmative. I thought about the great shift Jesus brought in a culture where certain ways were firmly set and how this could lead to a following. Was it the genes that created us or was it us who determined which genes would be encouraged to be expressed?

Joel Osteen is a great role model for manifesting what you believe in your heart and speaking it as if it's already been done. He says not to say, "it's going to happen." It already is. I have been saying this already. I am a fruitarian. What it takes for this to become certain is only a matter of time. What I achieve (I'm curious how this will effect how I play flag football and MMA as I get that into place) will be mostly from sheer will and training, and I will not be reliant on food. I want to achieve my best with it. My sister's husband says in a fun way, "Man, all my mom fed me was beansprout soup and vegetables." lol His (beautiful sweet awesome) mom prepares healthful meals, considered bland, very low in meat and with lots of vegetables and always with dark grains. He thinks he could have been taller and stronger if he ate more meat. While this may be true for many of the strongest men in the world, I think of Daniel in the Bible, who ate the vegetables only and was found to be in better shape than all the other chosen men who dined on the king's food.

I feel like we are participating with creation. Have the faith to structure it. Hold an empowered image. You create yourself from it. It is the spring from which you come forth. Don't ever let a defeated thought take over.

Peace and Trust,
Tinah

[I'm going to have to come back and edit this]

Emphasis

Success is our inevitable outcome. We're going to get there no matter what. I want to emphasize this to my student. He has improved much. On his own, he does 10 push-ups and sit-ups when he feels he needs to be more self-disciplined and to put more of his care into his work. He used to not be able to do these push-ups on the knees at all, and he could only do 1 or 2 sit-ups at best. He tends to turn off his mind and just lean on other peoples' signals to find correct answers. I am seeking to emphasize self-responsibility with him, that he uses his own mind to solve problems. I told him upfront today, that when he does not care about his work or put care in the development of his brain, I lose my interest in being there. If he does put care in, I want to help him and put my care in as well. He asked me today if he could be good at anything he tries for, and I told him yes. This is how he is able to do his push-ups and sit-ups much better now, how he is able to solve his Math problems, how he is able to succeed in his spelling and writing, and it applies to anything. As he keeps trying, he will keep improving. It is fulfilling to see him making improvements.

It is good to be awake. I look forward to the daytime, even though I dry-fast through it. Today I wore a shirt that reminds me of something Pipi Longstocking might wear, it's long, a light tan color, and I wore a brown knee-high skirt over it. I used to love watching that show. I remember there was an episode where she made cleaning look like a lot of fun.

I am getting along in detox. When I am fully toxified, my eyes are puffy and my skin is very discolored. It is discolored here, but there are signs of improvement already. Believe it or not, this is when it has already begun the process of being softened. In my most toxic of states my skin was as thick as could be.

Well today I may jog with a friend, then I will watch my sister's baby as she goes to a Wedding rehearsal dinner. I have a good sister.

Blessings,

Tinah

Greetings

Here I would like to reflect on life, on choices, on thought processes, and see how these things altogether are making my experiences for each day.

I tutor in the mornings from Tuesday-Friday. My student is growing a lot. He started off not being able to put his focus into learning, but he is gaining confidence and determinism, as well as a positive attitude all along the way. He now seeks discipline, and his focus is undeterred (when he applies himself). Today he worked quietly.

Today I was more inward focused, on the nourishing forces of peace. I had resolved to make sure we were focused, clear, and structured in all we did. I made sure not to lose my center, knowing the big picture of it all, and keeping it all in check. We had about 10 minutes for a recess break so we swung on the swings. I closed my eyes while swinging, which felt amazing. I told him to try this as well. He said it felt like flying. : )

Even though my student is arranged to go to a special learning center for the intellectually disabled or students who need more devoted attention, I told him it was good he was setting his sights on returning to the normal public school. He hopes to return there someday. As we were walking, he pointed out an "enemy" among his list, and I waved to this child and his mom with a friendly hello. I told him to wave as well. He told me not to, and I told him, "what if I did not wave to you, and said you were my enemy for all the things you did that I did not like?" He registers these mirrored scenarios very well, and he waved at them.

I am looking forward to the rest of my day. My sister and her baby are coming over, I will help her shop for a bridal shower gift for her friend, my friend and I will go jogging, and I will be able to feast on fruits at night. Afterwards, I will be able to read the beautiful writing of Elisabeth Elliot's Let Me Be A Woman.

Love & Peace,
Tinah